Are You Getting Mad at Your Kid Too Much? You May Need Help From a Coach
Picture this: It’s Friday, and you're exhausted from working all week. Your child struggled with their homework and chores, so you end up doing much of it yourself. You remind them to finish an overdue project. They talk back. You ask them to help with the laundry. They pretend not to hear you. You raise your voice. They double down.
Does this sound familiar?
If so, you are not alone. Being a parent or a caregiver is hard work. You are not only responsible for your child’s physical wellbeing but also want them to grow into a successful adult. It’s normal to feel frustrated when they repeatedly struggle with what seem to be simple daily tasks. Below are a few strategies to navigate these moments.
What to do when you find yourself starting to get mad
When you start tensing up in your neck and shoulder muscles, your breathing becomes quicker and shallower, your voice gets louder, and your jaw clenches, those are signs you're getting mad. Being able to identify these feelings can help you regulate your emotions.
Validate both your feelings and your child's. Saying something like, “I can see you’re really upset, and I’m feeling frustrated too,” can help both parties empathize with each other. Understand that "mad" is a normal human emotion. What's important is to express this feeling in a safe, non-harmful way.
It may seem counterintuitive, but lowering your voice can help de-escalate the situation. Speaking softly can also prompt your child to match your tone.
Take a deep breath. This might sound cliche but this very straightforward strategy is popular for a reason. A mindful inhale and exhale can help calm your nervous system and give you a moment to collect your thoughts.
Pause and reflect. This can provide the necessary space to evaluate why you’re feeling angry and how you can respond more constructively.
What to do in the heat of the moment
When we find ourselves neck-deep in anger, the rational part of our brain shuts off, making it hard to control our actions. The best thing to do at the moment is to take a break. Maybe drink some water, take a quick walk, or simply go into your room - whatever will help you cool down. At this point, staying in the conversation can do more harm than good. Sometimes when one parent is getting mad, it is helpful to hand off the situation to the other parent who is not so emotionally involved yet.
What to do to repair
Reflect on the incident. Think about what triggered your anger and how you handled the situation. This reflection can help you understand your triggers and develop better coping mechanisms for the future.
Apologize if necessary. Saying sorry if you overreacted or said things you didn’t mean tells your child that everyone makes mistakes and that it’s important to take responsibility for your actions.
Discuss the situation. Have a calm and open conversation with your child about what happened. Talk about how both of you can handle similar situations better in the future.
Reaffirm your love. Ensure your child knows that your anger did not change your love for them.
When should you seek help?
You’re constantly stressed and feel like you can’t control your emotions anymore, leading to frequent outbursts at your child and others around you.
You’re always tired because you feel like you need to do everything yourself.
Scolding your child seems like it’s not making a difference.
It feels like your child no longer wants to spend time with you, or vice versa.
Your family is always tense around you.
You feel guilty and want to stop being so stressed and angry, but it’s become difficult to manage your feelings.
If this article resonated with you, it sounds like you might benefit from support. Know that you don’t have to take this on all by yourself.
Going to an executive function coach can provide valuable strategies and tools to manage both your and your child's difficulties. Coaches are professionals who can provide suggestions and strategies grounded on science, years of clinical expertise, and experience working with other parents. Collaborating with one of our professional coaches can potentially decrease the incidence or intensity of you getting mad at your kid and make a significant difference in your family dynamics.
If you’re looking for more articles to read about executive dysfunction, as well as suggestions on how to help you and your child manage various situations, Habit Coach has an extensive library of resources to help with both day-to-day activities.
